Attitudes are the Real Figures of Speach

"The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. Communication does not depend on syntax, or eloquence, or rhetoric, or articulation but on the emotional context in which the message is being heard. People can only hear you when they are moving toward you, and they are not likely to when your words are pursuing them. Even the choicest words lose their power when they are used to overpower. Attitudes are the real figures of speech." - Edwin H. Friedman

How one uses ones words, ones language skills can create first impressions just as impactful as the visual message. There is a science and an art to the use of words in conveying a message. The stronger the alignment between the verbal and the non-verbal the more powerful the message. Conversely, when ones words and non-verbals are not in alignment the message can be garbled, lost, and misinterpreted. How is it we can go through so much formal schooling and have so little formal training in the science and art of communication? How is it that we can spend so much time in frustrated miscommunication throughout our lives and still do nothing about it? If we continue doing the same thing, isn't it likely we are going to get the same results?

I was trying to convey a concept to someone, recently through a story I was telling. The person I was talking to didn't get it. He didn't see the parallel and he didn't draw the connection. He didn't get it. In order to get my point across I started speaking louder, and becoming more animated. At that moment, for me, the failure didn't lie in the fact that the message I was sending didn't match or parallel anything in his frame of reference. I just needed to be a little more graphic, more colorful, instill more emotion... Then I got it. I had an Ah Ha moment. As much as I loved the craft of my words, it didn't work for him. If my true intent was for a mutual understanding, it was I who had to change, not him.

WOW. Go Figure! Our relationship has changed. From that moment on we now try to find common ground before making a point, before seeking mutual understanding. WE GET that we don't get each other, and it's OK. It's even funny now. We laugh when one of us falls off the wagon and goes off on a tangent and looses the other person. We call each other back in good humor and in understanding. We have changed what was once painful into something that feels good for both of us. Most importantly we now are able to communicate in a way that allows us to connect on levels that neither of us thought was possible.